Every so often, it dawns on me that I am a grown-up, that I won’t live at home for too much longer, that God could call me, my grown-up big sister and brother-in-law, my grown-up baby sister, or even my grown-up parents (and the rest of their un-grown children) somewhere else. In a moment, all my fantasies of adventure, dreams of traveling and walking on foreign soil, and plans to work apostolically in churches are dissolved, and I am overwhelmed with a sudden sense of homesickness—before I or anyone I love has even left home.
A year ago, this was a completely new feeling to me. Sure, I had been homesick before, but it was always with the knowledge that I would be coming home and seeing my family and friends again in x-number of days. But a year ago, the first of us seven children in my family got married. It was the first time one of us actually moved out of the house—permanently. The effect that event had on our family could not have been foreseen. We wondered if it was normal, why we were so emotional, and did every family feel such loss at the marriage of a child? We would find ourselves sitting and crying. We weren’t sad that she got married. In fact, we were overjoyed that God brought her a man of God who would love and cherish her, and we were all excited to see what God would do with them. Despite our joy and the joining of these two hearts, we also felt the pain of loss. She was no longer ours, and she wasn’t just going to come home at the end of the day.
A year later, the feeling is not unfamiliar. I have felt it several times, when I think of the times I used to have with my older sister. I felt it when I moved to St. Louis for a month to do an internship but couldn’t stand to stay away so long, so I came home every weekend. I felt it when we shipped my little sister off to Washington to serve and be a blessing to another body for seven weeks. And there have been several other occasions that God has used to remind me that He has the right to call me somewhere else, and my duty is to obey. Why, being the brave adventuress that I have always been, do I feel so homesick when thinking of the day (whenever that may be) that God will call me somewhere else, or when I think of my sisters and parents living apart from me?
Now, I don’t know what God’s plan is for my life. I don’t know when/where/if He will take me across the country, across the world, or a across town. But as I have been thinking and seeking God about my life, He has graciously shown me why I get so incredibly homesick thinking of the life changes that are happening even now. He showed me that those are areas in my heart that are not fully His yet. Jesus said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be My disciple.” (Luke 14:26) Of course, this doesn’t mean we despise our families. But my heart must be so completely the Lord’s, so that whatever He asks, I will do in an instant, without consideration of what it will mean to me personally (i.e. how much I will miss my family). He is a jealous God, and He is jealous for that place in my heart where He is not Lord—where I have let my family take the throne. He wants it. Not just part of it. All of it. When He has all of it is when He can use me. We sing songs that say “Where You go, I go” and “I will go to the ends of the earth.” They sound good to sing in a moment, but if I really think about it, will I? Will I leave everything I have? Will I let my sisters go to the places God has for them to bless people without questioning?
Because, really, as my dad so wisely stated the other night, they are not ours. My parents aren’t mine. My siblings don’t belong to me. I don’t belong to me. I was created with one purpose: to do the will of my Father in Heaven and bring Him glory. The feelings of loss, sadness, and homesickness are not bad feelings. They prove that we truly love one another. However, when those feelings get in the way and hinder me from obeying God, there is a problem. I am not then loving my sisters, brothers, parents, and friends anymore. I am loving me and my comfort. And Jesus says I cannot be His disciple if I cannot hate my very life.
Oh, that my heart would be completely the Lord’s; that every area in my heart where my family and friends fill voids and emptiness would be broken and filled only with the One who can fill completely; that at His request, I would obey, with no hindrance, question, or worry about what will happen to me; that my life would only be to please my Master and my Owner.
God can work with that. When I let Him come and fill the places in my heart that are not yet His, and my desire becomes only to obey and serve Him and His purposes—then He can use me in ways I couldn’t have dreamed up myself.
And if I never get to see my family on this side of Heaven again, at least we will have eternity together.
4 comments
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August 10, 2010 at 5:44 am
heldheart
Well said, my dear, well said.
When we realize that by trying to make things stay as they were we may actually be getting in God’s way, we are left with no option but to cling to His promise that the latter days will be even more glorious than the former ones. That’s a good one, Coach.
August 10, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Dave
Nicely written, Mary – and an in-depth examination of your heart standing next to the things of God. I hope you don’t mind if I offer an observation. In one way, the homesick feelings are also a gift from God. Without them, there is no true “counting the cost.” And with no counting the cost, how would we know there is something (someOne) far, far greater? To be loved by one’s family and to even miss them at only the thought of separation – oh, what joy there is in that – for many in this life have no such joy, no such love, no such security. Living in the pangs of that homesickness are the flickering flames of God’s love. And, whenever comes the day with loved ones far away – comes also the everpresent reminder of your love for them which is indeed a reflection of His love for you and His love for those who know no such thoughts or feelings. Keep writing. You have a gift.
August 10, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Mary Allemang
Wow. Thank you, Dave!
I absolutely agree that the homesick feelings are a good thing. If I didn’t have them, I feel like that would be a little red flag on my love for my family, not to mention my motives for doing whatever I do “for God.” As with everything else, there is a balance that must be obtained. In this case, the balance between loving my family, honoring my father and mother, etc. versus “hating” them in the sense that Jesus talked about. I don’t ever want them to become an idol in my life and fill a place that only God can fill. That’s more the sense I was talking about. But I definitely agree with you too!
Like I said– balance. And, really, if Jesus is center, and I am seeking first His Kingdom, all that will balance out anyway.
Thanks for your comments!
August 11, 2010 at 11:12 pm
michelle allemang
Interesting, Mary. I don’t remember talking to you about the work the Lord has done in my heart this summer. It’s strikingly similar to what you’ve written here.
Yes, He is jealous for every place in our hearts. And what is so wonderul is that when we surrender those places, He comes and fills them with more of Himself! What an exchange!!
That’s what I’ve experienced this summer, and it makes the future “sendings out” not so scary. This life is short, and like you said, we have eternity together!!!
I’m glad cause I like you a lot! And, of course, I love you, too!